I have used the popular meme of the blonde lady from “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” screaming at a nonplussed cat as my profile pic on facebook for probably about 3 years. I have related to that meme as most of Life #7 has been me nonplussed. Some genius put the picture of the lady screaming next to a picture of a disgruntled white cat. The story behind the cat picture is that he (who is a real cat named Smudge Lord…he has his own instagram, not lying) apparently leaped up in the chair at the table and thought there would be like meat or something good. Instead, he gets up there and it’s just of plate of vegetables, and being a cat, vocalized his disappointment. I get it. No one just wants a plate of vegetables. I didn’t want to be doing any of the shit I was doing, either. I get it, Smudge Lord. I’d meow, too.
Life 7 basically started when ex-husband #2 was going to deploy, we took a weird trip to Atlanta and NC for him to say bye to family and peeps, then he wasn’t going to deploy and then he told me that he volunteered to deploy. Like he needed to get away, really, really away, like Afghanistan away. I was nonplussed. But not entirely suprised. Unfazed. The marriage had been in trouble for a bit and some part of me understood this as I will full on admit I am not easy with my mental illness and trauma. We did a last ditch effort at marriage counseling but we were headed for different paths and wanted different things. Then Covid happened…and that complicated things. That complicated our jobs, the legal system and all the filing, mediation…it was long and drawn-out. And honestly, the whole Covid situation in and of itself caused a lot of people to be bewildered and perplexed.
Me:
But through all that mess, I worked to figure out how to get my teaching career back on track. Returning to DoDea was necessary so I could get tenured and start to build back up. God put everything in place for me and I planned for the big move to S. Korea. And I have to be honest with you, preparing for this move to New York sometimes brings me back to when I was preparing for that move—I was scared shitless to leave Salem and go to a country where even though I knew some things about Korean culture, I would experience some serious culture shock.
ME:
**Shout-out really quick to Mary Ellen O’Neil…the night before I left for Korea, I was a complete wreck. I didn’t want to leave Salem, I didn’t want the marriage to be over even though it was, and I didn’t want to start all over again. I was in panic attack mode, courtesy of my Generalized Panic Disorder and topped off with some added crap from my PTSD. She talked me down and off the ledge. And I didn’t post any of that nightmare on facebook. What you saw was the picture of S. Korea as it appeared outside my window when I landed. You see the brave, but you don’t see when anxiety and PTSD has me in its grasp and won’t let go.
Life #7 was happening regardless of if I wanted it to start or not. So it started. And I was happy to be back in the classroom. It had been 4 years. And that is a joy, that is my calling.
The rest of it, holy shit. Like it’s even making me a bit stressed writing this, but that is the beauty of writing, that I have to get this out so that I will know that this next move will not be as hard, as sad, as gut-wrenching. I mean, I know it…but my anxiety and PTSD might not know it. I really wish those guys would communicate with my brain instead of just starting shit on their own, but oh well.
I am ready to leave Korea. It’s puzzling, some people here absolutely love Korea—don’t want to leave even though they have to PCS or return to the states. Somehow, it just didn’t click with me. I know I’ve written about that before…and it’s weird how some places I immediately take to, some it takes a while to warm up, and others I just never bond with. I’m literally like a cat, as they are generally attached to places and routine, more so than people. I thought maybe it would be like Vancouver, where I cried and mourned Portland for the first year, but then turned a corner and I absolutely loved it. But that didn’t happen. But I have made some amazing friends and there is no way I would have gotten through this without Amy, Angel, Alicia, Stormy, Whitney, Angie, and Kerry. Those are some solid peeps.
Me trying everything to like Korea:
To be fair, I had a lot going on these past 3 years so I don’t know if I would have been truly happy anywhere. Recovering from divorce, reconnecting with John and then John’s cancer and death, my brother’s cancer, and dealing with my mental health. So I am ready for part 2 of Life #7…I’ve decided it’s not Life #8 yet…I’m still working on the same goals like getting my career situated, figuring out finances and eventual retirement at some point, and being comfortable in my own skin. I held back some of my weirdness in the last marriage as an attempt to “June Cleaver” it. And that shit never works. lol. So not doing that again. And I need to be comfortable with the fact that my life isn’t super smooth or traditional. It was never going to be.
I am sad to leave Asia. I feel like there’s so much I didn’t get to explore. Cambodia is firmly on my bucket list. And I’m fitting in one last trip to Japan because I am still obsessed with it and I absolutely must go to Gotokuji Temple—where the whole lucky cat legend started, and yes, I am going to Sanrio Puroland, or the Disney version of Hello Kitty. I have said that I will eat rice in the shape of Hello Kitty’s head and I am going to do that. And I’m going to shop and enjoy the amazeballs food.
But, it’s time to move on, time to close this chapter, and continue to move forward. I’m nervous, but working on those stripes of panic in my stomach, working every day. And I’m honestly excited about seeing friends and family more often. It’s time to confront those Atlanta demons as well. But even if I do get to a point where I’m not continually nonplussed, I still may keep the meme as my pic. It’s me.
Good luck with the move Jamie. Wishing you ALL the best!
Sending all the best, strongest juju at you [since I failed at ever sending a tangible care package 🙃😑].
Welcome to new you!