We Come on the Sloop John B.

Brian Wilson made beauty out of pain.

When I heard that Brian Wilson passed, my brain went in so many different directions that I didn’t even know where to start - “Pet Sounds”, “Sloop John B.”, his mental breakdowns, his triumphs, Dad playing it in his office, so much! I had to sit with it a bit to process. And it took a moment to fully hit me.

My father always loved music. He had an incredible stereo set up in his office and many evenings, he’d have a “concert” of sorts, and playing various groups for mom, myself and my brother. He loved The Association, The Alan Parsons Project, and The Beach Boys. I’d dance around the room to “Wendy” or “Fun, Fun, Fun”. I’ll full on admit I was not a fan of the Alan Parsons Project. But I did love The Beach Boys- I loved the beach songs growing up and Dad loved the car songs, of course.

I don’t know that I could pick a favorite song out of the Beach Boys’ incredible repertoire. They are similar to the Beatles in that there are so many phases of the bands’ music journeys, that you almost have to have a favorite song for each phase. But the song that to this day, no matter how many times I’ve heard it, makes me laugh out loud is the “Sloop John B.” They didn’t write the song. It’s a cover of a traditional sea shanty that goes back centuries, and Al Jardine picked it out for its harmonies and Brian changed some of the lyrics and it’s an absolute classic.

It makes me laugh for a couple of reasons. First, because it sounds like they’re having a great time, and that it’s a “happy happy” typical Beach Boys song. But it’s so not. The dude in the song is having a miserable time and just wants to go home. He’s been dragged on some trip and is stuck on some boat with his grandfather, and everybody is drunk and fighting. Towards the end of the song, the lyric is literally, “This is the worst trip I’ve ever been on…” This song was on “Pet Sounds” and I won’t go into the million reasons why that album was a game changer, but one was the move from the beach and car songs to deeper, different songs and Brian Wilson led that charge. I urge you, at least once in your life, to listen to “Pet Sounds”…it’s amazing.

The song “Sloop John B.” reminds me of a particular car trip with my parents and brother. We went to Jekyll Island every year as our vacation. And with frequent stops and whatnot, it could take about 6 hours. To my brother and I that was an eternity and our mom was not messing around when it came to our squabbling in the back seat. We were the prototype for “If you don’t shut up, we’re going back home.” Mom took masking tape and taped a “property line” down the middle of the back seat. We weren’t allowed a finger or toe past this property line onto the other sibling’s side. Ostensibly, this would head the squabbling off at the pass, but my brother and I found a way to argue about everything. And inevitably, my parents would start arguing about everything from where to stop for lunch to how the other was driving the station wagon to “is that a flat tire?” to when to stop for gas, etc., So everybody is not drunk, but arguing. For 6 hours.

Dad was in complete control of the music. We could request songs but ultimately, he had the final say. He would defer to mom, sometimes. This particular trip was spring break of my 6th grade year. The mom-dad arguing was at an all-time high, it was hot, we probably didn’t eat where I wanted to eat for lunch, the music sucked, I was in the awful, snarky adolescent girl phase just being 6th grade, braces on my teeth, gawky, and friends of mine were starting to go on trips together and I was stuck with my family. For that particular trip, Dad was on a Beach Boys music kick, and I was in that disdainful, “don’t like any music the parents think is cool” mode. I complained they were corny, and I was “so over Beach Music” at the very educated age of 12.

But then…” Sloop John B.” came on and I listened to the lyrics, and I loved it—I was on a bad trip, too! And so on the next go round when it played, I gleefully sang LOUD with Brian Wilson, “THIS IS THE WORST TRIP I’VE EVER BEEN ON!” Mom turned around and gave me THE LOOK, and my brother put his hands over his ears and protested, “I thought we couldn’t sing out loud! No fair! She broke a rule!” I piped down but I made my point. Below is a picture of THE LOOK. And I’m still laughing.

Sloop John B.

I realized with Brian Wilson’s passing, how much the Beach Boys were ingrained in my life even if I wasn’t actively seeking them out. Throughout my life…

In 10th grade, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” came out and there is the iconic scene where he’s singing in the middle of a parade. And I loved that song. What was he singing? I had to find out. The Beatles? Wait, what?

When Dad played The Beatles, he played “later” Beatles, like “Yellow Submarine”, “Let It Be”, and “Abbey Road”. I, of course, knew some of the classics like “I Want to Hold Your Hand”, but early Beatles was unknown to me. So I did a Beatles deep dive, loved “Shake it Up”, and went to see “A Hard Day’s Night” at LeFont Tara with Heath, and I was in full “This is the greatest group ever” (Note: this started in 5th grade when I declared REO Speedwagon to be the greatest group, then it was Fleetwood Mac, then Chicago, you get the idea). Dad countered with The Beach Boys. Surf Music? Be real, DAD!!! He played “Good Vibrations” and introduced me to “Pet Sounds”. And I legit thought “God Only Knows” was the most beautiful song I’d ever heard, knocking Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” off the throne. And the haunting “In My Room”. Okay, Dad may have a point. Dad explained that “Rubber Soul” challenged Brian Wilson, then “Pet Sounds” led to “Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band”, and it’s all connected. As I’ve grown through the years, I’ve realized, you can’t do the Beach Boys or Beatles battle, both groups brought so much color and joy to the world.

God Only Knows

Then in 11th grade, I think there was a Beach Boys greatest hits album released, then they were in a movie with Frankie and Annette, and this somehow sparked a resurgence at DCA, my high school. It was all of a suddent popular to listen to their music, and the “surfer” style became a thing. Guys were dying their hair blonde, or close to blonde, sometimes, varying shades of orange and wearing puka necklaces. I mean, we were in Atlanta, GA, no surfing for miles, but here the Beach Boys were influencing our culture in the 80s. Everyone was wearing shell necklaces and earrings, and beachy ensembles, and if I heard “Surfer Girl” one more time…even the Fields’ band with their dads was playing Beach Boy covers!

The Beach Boys continued to play in my soundtrack for college as we played them endlessly on Sigma Nu Beach Weekends, when I was reminiscing with Dad, they were always there.

But I didn’t know about Brian’s darkness. I had heard bits and pieces about how he went “crazy” and didn’t get out of bed for years and gained all this weight. He had a nervous breakdown, all this. (FYI, the crazy one was Dennis Wilson, dude hung out with the Manson Family until Charlie decided to kill him, and then he had to hide, he also slept with both Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie, causing some problems in Fleetwood Mac, and then Dennis married his cousin, worth a deep dive for sure…trust me.)

I saw the movie “Love and Mercy” in 2014 and it revealed so much of the struggle with mental illness that Wilson dealt with all his life. I saw parallels between his depression and mine…I cracked up at age 26 and Brian had his break at 24. In mental illness parlance, your “break” is when you realize you have a mental illness, you know something is wrong. My break was my anxiety and depression taking over, I couldn’t sleep for 4 days and was absolutely depressed, getting to work was so hard, and I would break down crying sometimes when I had to get up and take a shower. For Brian, he went to bed for 3 years, withdrew from touring and started self-medicating with drugs. For my dad, he went to bed for 2 years, lost his job, and withdrew from life. For all of us, depression is indeed a darkness and getting out is indeed hard.

But Brian decided to tell that story.

“Love and Mercy” has the fantastic and vastly underrated Paul Dano as the young Brian and it is such an accurate portrayal of mental illness…the sensory issues, the self-doubt, the need for acceptance and praise, all of it. Dano said "Some of it is frankly deeply personal. Brian talked about trying to make music that would heal people. Knowing that his life was so hard and that was his attitude, I felt like that's somebody I want to spend time with. Whether I needed love and mercy at the time or I wanted to give it I'm not sure."

It is a brutal look. It also touches on the physical and mental abuse that Brian endured from his father. For me, it was a hard movie to sit through. It hits home in so many places, not just for my battle with mental illness, but my father’s, mother’s, and brother’s. You should watch it and learn from Brian. He knew way back when recording “Pet Sounds” , that something was not right. And that is one of the very hard things about having mental illness…you know you are different.

I Just Wasn't Made for These Times

Brian Wilson took his pain, and there was so much pain - the abuse, the depression, the voices, hallucinations. addictions, the manipulation by a twisted therapist for years—and made some of the most beautiful music in the world. Truly. His motto was to create music that brought love and mercy to people. And he was so generous with his gifts. The beautiful song “God Only Knows” was written by Brian for his brother Carl to sing. Brian had the voice to sing it, but thought it would be better if his brother sang it. So it’s Carl’s voice you hear on that gorgeous song.

Brian’s passing was a gut punch for me because it made me look at how much this man had given to my life, how his music is so much a part of me, and how brave he was about his mental health- to have a movie made that exposes you and your struggles- so brave. He will always be an inspiration to me. He inspires me to find and make beauty out of pain.